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I've Got Me Some Talons


My nails are thin, weak and split at the sight of water. I tried everything ... vitamins, rubber gloves, manicures among other things and nada ... nothing works.

I was having a cocktail on my deck with a friend who has nice nails and she recommended I get a dip. A dip? What is a dip? Come to find out there are all kinds of "fake" nails. There are shellac, gel, acrylic, nail wraps, silk, linen, fiberglass and dip powder. Men have absolutely no idea what is taken to be a woman!

Some of you may have seen comedian Anjelah Johnson's act on Vietnamese manicurists. I am here to say that I lived her skit. I ventured to a Vietnamese nail salon to get a dip over my natural nails. Thinking this would be strong enough to let my natural nails grow and look pretty.

I walk into the salon and a Vietnamese woman greets me - so far, so good. I tell her I would like a dip. Then she starts barking at me in broken English and I swear to god I had no idea what she was saying. All she needed was a bare light bulb hanging from a cable while she was yelling at me, I was seriously sweating. I kept asking what she way saying and she kept yelling at me. Finally, I yelled, "Stop yelling at me". At that, point a customer took pity on me and pointed me in the right direction.

A young Vietnamese man who told me his name was Fred starting working on my nails. Fred said dip to me and I restated the word dip back to him. Even though his name was Fred, I knew his English was limited, albeit better than my Vietnamese. He looks at my stubs and starts asking me questions in Vietnamese. I just said yes to whatever he was asking and next thing I know he starts gluing on tips. I told him I did not want tips and he smiled shaking his head yes and continued gluing. Finally, I said Ok, but I want them short, He kept cutting the plastic down and I kept saying shorter until the Vietnamese woman sitting a row behind him yelled at me, "Your nail look good. Keep like that". She yelled this three times. Now I am the proud owner of talons. Although I am unable to type, pick up things and god forbid I try to open a clasp, I am like a bird of prey ready to forage our next dinner.

On the upside, a woman came into the salon while I was getting my talons; she held up her hand and said dip rebase. Therefore, I know the lingo and prepared for my next appointment.

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