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Who Says I am Old

Who says I am old? I will tell you who says I am old ... my body. My body is like a bad boyfriend and I should have seen the signs he wanted to break up with me after my 20's.

You turn 30 and you notice a little bit of stiffness after driving a couple of hours or maybe your neck or back is sore waking up or doing something strenuous. Small stuff, but certainly nothing to think your body would cause such retaliation for all those years of dancing on tables, going low to the floor, jumping off and on things and basically being a contortionist for other activities.

Then you turn 40 and your body is just being uncooperative, Getting off the ski lift is just that much harder. Bending knees sounds as if crickets have invaded. A simple neck turn to check a blind spot is a full body turn. Getting back up after going low on the dance floor is not a given. And I am not longer a contortionist, but merely an assistant.

Turning 50 was a slap in the face. Sitting more than 30 minutes requires a forklift to get me up. Changing sheets or god forbid dusting low places takes an act of god. Any food that falls on the floor are treats for the pets. My knees do not want to move and they do not want to sit. Just what do they want to do? Stairs are a torture device. Here is a fun party game - make everyone over 55 stand on one foot while keeping their eyes closed.

Do not even get me started on the memory - I cannot count the times my sunglasses are on my head when I am screaming, "Where are my sunglasses?" or I am frantically looking for my cell phone when I actually have it to my ear talking to someone. Finding my parked car is a scavenger hunt. Walking into a room is like playing hide and seek.

Aging is a bitch for sure...varicose veins, unwanted hair, being hungover looking at a bottle of vodka, falling asleep at 9pm and yet unable to sleep thru the entire night, sagging jowls and boobs. We all know aging wins in the end so I am going to fight it every step of the way. If Tina Turner can still kick those legs and swing those hips so can I. OMG does that mean I have to start doing yoga??

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